


(why don't you) speak it out loud

by space (sunblue)



Category: GOT7
Genre: Confessions, Fluff, M/M, lots of sex jokes bcus its me, past college au, slight angst, the fluffiest downiest pillow of sweetness, the most sugar i have ever written, with a hint of angst bcus its me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-06
Updated: 2016-04-06
Packaged: 2018-05-31 14:41:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6474409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunblue/pseuds/space
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>either way, jaebum suffers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(why don't you) speak it out loud

**Author's Note:**

  * For [2tae](https://archiveofourown.org/users/2tae/gifts).



> inspired from this lovely prompt by bobby, with a few artistic liberties: _Imagine that A and B are dating, but person B doesn't voice their feelings much. One day person B is cursed/drinks a truth serum and has to say everything they think about out loud. Person B starts saying 'I love you' and other super cheesy shit to person A every five minutes. Person A enjoys it very much._
> 
> sorry for the long wait <333

 

 

 

 

It's never bothered Jinyoung at how emotionally constipated Jaebum was, not really. Years having to deal with his bullshit, both pre and post boyfriend status had forged and iron strong grip on the inner functioning and understandings of his ways. It was all second nature by this point, a subconscious reflex, a working of worn synpases and over abused cues.

It wasn't that on a whole Jaebum wasn't expressive, he had no trouble translating his pent up anger and feisty temper, nor did he have difficulties pointing out what a bunch of idiots the kids and Jackson were when they had their free reign. It also wasn't that he wasn't affectionate, albeit being a more private lover who preferred to hold him close and steal the soft press of his lips only away from prying eyes, something he could live with he _guessed_.

More or less, it was how emotionally constipated Jaebum was when it came to voicing said affections. Now, Jinyoung wasn't one for hypocrisy and he knew he's had his own generous slice of unintentional silent treatments and twisting truths, but with Jaebum it was another story altogether.

When he didn't know how the other felt, he didn't know anything at all. Because no matter how many years (a third of his life, basically) he'd been beside him, there was always an extent to how far someone could really know another.

He knows when Jaebum slips his hand in his, entwining their fingers gently just to feel his warmth and his pressure, that he's seeking a stubborn reassurance that he'd never admit to when asked. He knows when he feels an arm snake around his waist and a hand curl possessively at his hip that Jaebum felt a need to assure himself and wandering eyes of where he stood. He knows the casual sling of an arm across his shoulders is a mark of companionship, that when he smiles at him so brightly that his eyes crinkle into lines, or when he indulges him with exasperated sighs, that they're all seperate and subtle messages, the hidden pink rose admist the burning reds.

But what he didn't know left him bare and hollow, the unexplored corner of a galaxy with systems and stars and the untraced pathways of comet trails. Jaebum wasn't quiet, but there were things he never said.

 

 

 

"Hyung, what's wrong?" The covers are drawn up to Jinyoungs lips, trapping the heat in a downy cocoon but Jaebum keeps his shoulders and arm free to the night air. Small freckles of goosebumps dot his skin. Jinyoung used to be afraid of peaking his limbs out when he was little, lest the monsters in the dead of the night would latch onto him. Now he just keeps them locked in him instead.

The furrow between Jaebum's eyes and the shade of concern colouring expression quickly melts away, and he adorns his passive mask once more. "There's nothing wrong, go to sleep, Jinyoung."

"You're staring at me funny." he whines. Jaebum cracks a small smile, bringing a hand up to hold his cheek and he closes the small rift between them by placing a small kiss to his jaw. It's a pleasant warmth, like a drop of sunlight.

"What were you thinking about?" he asks again.'

"Something."

He sighs, "Could you be more cryptic?"

"I could," he mumbles, voice saturated with approaching sleep and dreams. The city outside murmurs with skylights and passing satellites, tracing the night like stars, "Go to sleep." he turns and shows him the empty expanse of his back. Jinyoung feels a pang of loneliness. 

The glow outside fall in soft rays, tracing silhouettes of his lover's form and Jinyoung grumbles, miffed because they forgot to close the window and Jaebum forgot to take off his piercings again. Silver glints in the sparse light and Jinyoung, with his eyes slowly closing to the soft lull of the moon, wishes he knew just exactly what the other was thinking.

 

 

 

They never really say 'I love you'. Jinyoung realises this one warm afternoon with their sheets tangled around his legs and his body sticky and malleable as honey, lying like a content cat basking in dying rays. Jaebum sleeps in a half-wake beside him, a languid arm thrown across his stomach and lightly holding onto him with fingers grasping at the thin fabric of his shirt. Glancing down at his sleeping face, Jinyoung frowns. He'd told him that sleeping on his stomach was bad for him.

The two of them were creatures of habit and he guesses, since he'd always fallen into Jaebum's footsteps, he himself had learnt not to tell him what he meant to him. Maybe actions spoke louder than words, but wasn't direct confrontation just a lot damn faster.

 

_"I'll walk you home," teenage Jaebum said, shrugging on his jacket and picking up his umbrella. Teenage Jinyoung wanted to decline, but he forgets his words when he sees the other swing the front door open and look back at him, eyes expectant and rain droplets falling onto his sneakers._

 

_"Have you eaten, yet?" college student Jaebum asks as soon as he enters, toeing off his shoes at his poor excuse for an entrance. His smile curves from cheek to cheek and there's an undertone in his eyes, Jinyoung muses. But he keeps his thoughts from wandering any further, away from implications and things that would make his heart stutter. Jaebum lifts a bag of take away in his hand, plastic rustling and grin sheepish. "I got your favourite."_

 

_"I know you've been trying to find this edition since forever," Jaebum says, pressing a glossy new book into his hands. Jinyoung feels his breath leave him. He runs the hardcover beneath his fingers, feels across the lacquer-like surface, the shallows dents of carved ridges, the intricate lettering in indian blue ink. His grin threatens to split his face when he looks back up at him, unspoken words threatening to spill like floodwaters_.

 

It would be nice too, Jinyoung thinks, if they could speak more openly. Mark always said their arguments were the worst, yelling matches like thunderstorms and days on days of ignoring and pining at one another. _Stop using my apartment as a refuse_ , he would say whenever he showed up at his front door, bleary eyed and fingers gripping, and then promptly usher him in and head straight for the junk food cabinet.

They never really said 'I love you'. Not behind closed doors in the blanket of the night, not in hushed moments beneath the snow when the world was wrapped in white, not even in the hours of burning red inbetween their covers and their blue and purple bruises, sentiments dying at the edge of their tongues right before oblivion flashed behind their eyes.

The sheets rustle. Heavy eyelids slowly opening in the thick light, and Jaebum looks up at him.

"Jirongie," his voice is husky with sleep like the tired crackle of autmun leaves. He props himself on his elbows and leans over, planting a searing kiss onto his lips without warning and engulfing him whole. It tastes like heat and horizons and Jinyoung presses back.

And like that, Jaebum pulls away, leaving him cold. He frowns.

 

 

 

With Youngjae's mouth open wide and snoring, Jinyoung has half a mind to walk over and shut it close for him, but he thinks Mark won't appreciate that at all. The younger is lounged across Mark's sofa with his head resting on the older's shoulder and Coco peeking out from underneath the flaps of his jacket like an oversized ball of fluff.

Jaebum doesn't touch him a lot in public, even in front of their friends. It's stupid but whenever his hand does slip into his, underneath a table or behind their backs, it's only ever boldly shown when Jinyoung initiates it, he can feel his heart flutter alight and a giddy grin threaten his lips foolishly. He doesn't particularly think of it as regular couple behaviour but what would he know? He's only ever had Jaebum. 

"You have that look on your face." Mark says, cradling Coco into his arms. Youngjae frowns in his sleep as if he could sense the absence of his dog. Probably, actually.

Jinyoung closes his book. He'd been staring at the same pages for an hour. "What look?"

"The one where you're overthinking about something but you refuse to talk about it, so now there's festering in that brain if yours."

He really doesn't think he is even capable of something so detailed, but Mark is Mark and even though glue is a permanent residence in his mouth, his eyes were wide open. Without knowing what to say, he frowns.

"Wanna tell me about it?" the older asks.  
Outside the city is a lovely cocktail of muted colours and monochrome. Glass skyscrapers reflect the sky in hues of bottle green and industrial navy, silver and orange taxi cabs mingle into the cement and urban birds in mottled purple and grey dot the landscape on perched wires and billboards.

Jaebum was out with Jackson and the maknaes as some half-assed chaperone to make sure they didn't wander off whilst getting groceries as well as preventing them from overspending on useless things no one needed, like another pair of high-heeled, leather boots or two kilos of cheese.

"It's about Jaebum hyung," he starts off.

Coco licks her nose and Youngjae mumbles something incoherent. "Did you two fight again?" Mark crosses his legs and if Jinyoung was lying down on a plush chaise, he'd think he was seeing a shrink over relationship issues. 

"No, it's something else. Be honest with me. Do you think me and hyung are good for each other?"

Something startles in Mark and his eyes flicker up to stare into his, an emotion akin to confusion colouring his gaze. "Jinyoung, where is this coming from?"

"Can you just answer the question, please?"

He licks his lips, weighing the words in his mouth, "I think you two love each other."

"But are we good for one another?" he fires back too quickly. He had already been expecting that answer. 

"What are you trying to tell me?"

He brings his knees to chest, hugging himself and training his eyes on nowhere in particular, "I know I'm not innocent of this myself but I feel like Jaebum hyung doesn't tell me things, like he won't confide in me on what's troubling him or on anything really."

"Jaebum doesn't confide in anyone. And I don't think he doesn't want to talk, he just doesn't feel the need to when he's with you."

"I never know what he's thinking though."

"You know him best."

"There's a difference between knowing how he feels and knowing what he thinks," he looks up at Mark and then to the dozing puppy in his hands, and he smiles wistfully, "I just wish he would be more open with me. Make him realise that not even I'm a mind reader."

"Why is this bothering you now though? You've always been fine with him being a rock since you two were high schoolers."

"I don't want to say I'm doubting us but...I think he deserves someone who can make him more, more comfortable--"

The words on his mouth are stopped by the sudden click of the door opening and both of them turn around. Jackson hops in, plastic bags bulging with useless crap with the kids following behind and Jaebum wanders in last, a tired smile twisted mirthfully on his lips. For a moment he pauses at the entrance, glancing curiously at the conspiratorial atmosphere between Jinyoung and Mark, before snorting at Youngjae's slumbering posture and then disappearing into the kitchen to calm the ruckus down and make sure that Yugyeom wouldn't break the eggs with his butter fingers.

"Don't breathe a word of this to Jaebum hyung." Jinyoung warns, boring holes into the floor. In the corner of his eyes he sees Mark nod reluctantly.

 

 

 

When they get home that night, Jaebum presses a quick kiss to his cheek before he heads to the bathroom to wash up. When he comes back out he flops onto their mattress with his hair still damp and smelling of soap and toothpaste, Jinyoung decides there's no better time than the present. He sits beside him, crossing his legs and he slips a hand to his arm, petting it to get his attention.

"Hey hyung,"

They've forgotten to close the curtains again. Red lights blink and slowly traverse across the night. Jaebum had forgotten to take off his piercings again and the silver glints against the moon and reflects the dim yellow glow of their lamp; Jinyoung traces the water droplets rolling down his neck with his eyes.

"Hm?"

"What do you think about me?"

His reaction is comically similar to Mark's and he sits right up, hair mussed and damp patches on his pillow. "What kind of question is that?" he takes Jinyoung's cheek in his hand and smiles against his lips, "You know how I feel."

Jinyoung lays his hand atop of his and parts their contact, "Of course I know how you feel, but I don't know what you think."

"Is there even a difference?"

"Yes."

There's a small falter in Jaebum's face. He takes his hand away and rests it on the mattress between them. Their sheets are soaked in blue and gold, and Jinyoung knows Jaebum was feeling confused, was feeling wary, was feeling apprehensive. But what was he thinking? Did he think he was being difficult again, getting on his nerves again, being more work than what he was worth? Or maybe he thought nothing at all, and this was all on him himself.

"Tell me what you think about me." he isn't asking, he isn't demanding. The wind had crawled through their window and the papers of his books had fluttered open on his desk, and when Jaebum still doesn't answer, he's afraid his voice had been lost to breeze.

Jaebum picks up his towel and began to dry his hair again, face hidden from sight behind the material.

"It's embarrassing," he mutters, the tips of his ears growing pink.

"What you think about me is embarrassing?" he purses his lips.

" _No_. It's just that, well, I don't really want to say what I think."

"But I want to know."

Jaebum sighs, refusing to look at him, "Can we talk about this some other time? I'm kind of tired."

There it was again, the door closing shut right in front of his face. Maybe a few years ago Jinyoung would have snapped, but now he just nods and resigns, sliding off their bed and padding towards the bathroom.

"Good night, hyung." he whispers. He doesn't miss the lingering gaze that follows him into the dark.

 

 

 

When Jinyoung stirs awake the next morning he feels cool sheets and morning sun pooling at his skin, the reassuring warm pressure of another body beside him and he finds it in his heart that there was no reason to start the day off in a bad mood. His eyelids begin to flitter open.

"I love you."

His heart jumps into his throat and he almost screams, flinging himself to the other end of the bed because oh god there was some strange stalker in his bed professing some sick stalkerish infatuation--

Oh. It was just Jaebum.

"Hyung!" He exhales, a hand grasping at his thudding chest, feeling the earthquake within begin to calm, "I thought I was going die. Jesus."

Eyes shocked open, Jaebum raised a hand to his mouth.

"Hyung? What's wrong?"

Jaebum sat up, his hand still at his lips, "I wasn't meant to say that."

"What? What do you mean?" Jinyoung rose onto his elbow, peering up at him. The room is brightly lit, the curtains sheer as a veil and the songbirds outside sing with the rhythmic chime of morning commutes. Jaebum looks years younger with the gentle light and his eyes youthfully large with surprise. 

"I meant that," he glances back at him, "Nevermind, it's fine."

Jinyoung scrunched his face, annoyed at being shut down so quickly, clearly he hadn't learnt anything from their little row last night. "Fine, okay. I won't press you." he raises his hands up in submission and slips out of the covers.

"I'm sorry," Jaebum suddenly says, words slipping out of him like the rush of a stream, "I hate how it's so hard for me to tell you how I'm thinking and feeling. It annoys me too and I wish I wasn't scared."

Jinyoung couldn't tell what was more phenomenal, that Jaebum just confessed something so readily to him or that Jaebum himself was staring slack-jawed and wide eyed like those metaphorical deer in the headlights. He raises his hand to the other's forehead but he doesn't feel the telltale burn of a delirium-inducing fever.

"What the hell," he murmurs, and Jaebum chews on his bottom lip, afraid to open to his mouth lest he blurt out something more. A ticking suspicion knocks in Jinyoung's head, rattling out an idea far-fetched but not quite so either.

"Hyung, tell me where you hide your Simsons collection,"

Jaebum glares at him but his lips move with faultless betrayal, "In the boxes underneath my desk that I labelled as old college textbooks because I know you'd never look in there."

Pensive, Jinyoung nods, a crease in his brow. He was going to burn that underwear if it was the last thing he did.

"It seems like you have some weird truth-flu and you can't stop blabbing whatever's on your mind," he smirks, "Like telling me you love me right when I wake up."

The other man scowls, still mortified with heating cheeks. "Shut up, it's not like I wanted to say it out loud. I just thought it and it slipped out."

"Is that a habit of yours, being a closet romantic inside your head?"

"Yes," he grimaces.

 

 

 

As much as he tried, Jaebum really couldn't keep his trap shut and really, Jinyoung could only handle so much in one day. There was enough concentration of Im Jaebum's Worst Nightmare™ to keep him content for the rest of his life and to scar the other for years more.

"I'm never living this down, am I?" Staring down at the quickly cooling cup of coffee, the clock struck eight and Jaebum closed his eyes in pre-mourning for his dignity and pride.

Jinyoung wraps his arms around his waist and evelopes him, fitting his jaw in the crook between his shoulder and neck like a puzzle piece, "That's probably the truest thing you've said all morning."

"If didn't care about you so much, I'd actually want to strangle you right now."

"You'd never hurt me."

"How could I when you mean too much to me? I'm always worried I make you sad, that I'm more effort than what I'm worth." The words are heartfelt, really they should be, but with the resigned deadpan in Jaebum's voice and the rosy tint in his ears that he just didn't have the will to hide, Jinyoung hides an impish grin behind in his shoulder instead of a love sick gush.

He unravels his arms and places a hand on his elbow, feeling the muscle beneath his fingertips untense. "You're low maintenance, hyung," he steals his cup and oaky lukewarm liquid runs down his throat, tasting of hazelnut and self-despair, "You take good of the both of us, so don't fret. I do enough for the both of us." he peers over the cup, watching the microscopic tics flicker on the other's face.

There's a small crack in his face, like the shatterings of tempered glass beginning to appear, "I can't help it. You're so much better than what I could deserve." he looks like he wants to scream.

At this, Jinyoung beckons his warmest smile and latches his hands onto Jaebum's broad shoulders, feeling the fabric and grooves of his skin and sinews as he he brings his fingers to brush the sides of his face, holding him and studying. From the strong arches and curves of his jaw, to the dips in his collarbones and the slope of his forehead and nose, he let his eyes trail like roads to a map and he thought to himself how much more was beneath all this.

"You're everything and more than I could ever want," Jaebum's eyelids flutter down, a sweet smile curling quietly at his lips even as he sinks his teeth into the inside of his cheek to keep himself from crying.

"I really do love you." he sighs, closing the distance between them so that their noses almost brushed. Jinyoung thinks he can hear his heart in his ears, thrumming to a palpable staccato, reverberations simmering in his veins. Coffee and soap lingers in the air, familiar as an embrace and he thinks of their countless mornings spent tripping over one another before their rhythm set and Jinyoung learnt that words were saved for after coffee and goodbye kisses best stayed quick and short if they wanted to get out the door on time.

As if in a spell, Jinyoung sets the cup down on the counter and leans away, catching Jaebum off gaurd, "Hey, what are you thinking of right now?"

"That I want to stay home today, that we should spend more time together, and that I should stop speaking in case I say something I shouldn't."

"Tell me."

"I like your lips a lot better when you're not sassing me," he averts his eyes, an internal suffering crumpling his soul, "But I'd kiss them anyway."

Jinyoung gazes at him, a hand to his cheek and a playful smirk on his lips, reminiscent of days in school yards and leaning against dented lockers.

"Also, don't you think this is kind of worrying?"

"How so?"

Jaebum sighs, rolling his eyes and Jinyoung looks at him innocently, "I'm blurting every heartfelt thing that comes to my head involuntarily, that's not exactly normal behaviour."

"Oh hush, I want to enjoy this. You told me you loved me twice in one day, that in itself is a feat unheard of."

"I just feel like that I don't need to say it. I mean, we already know, don't we?" He peers into his eyes, inquisitive.

Jinyoung shrugs, "It's...nice to hear it. To hear you say it."

"Oh," the other man's gaze flickers down to the tiles on their floor, morning light relfected on the bleached white, "I want you to say it to me too. Right now?" he bows his head and glances up, hopeful.

"I would. But you see, I'm not the one stuck with having to tell my mind."

"Don't tease," he huffs, "It's cute."

 

 

 

The morning rolls along fine. Jaebum embarrasses himself a total of twenty-five times in total and, not including the initial ones, he professes his love six more times along with the most wounded grimaces, as if it physically pained him to have his feelings ripped out of his mouth. He can't look Jinyoung in the face when he says anything not intended to be heard by ears, and he spends half of the morning ducking his head behind his hands and hiding behind the counter because Jinyoung won't stop laughing at him.

It's a little cruel, he guesses, to have the urge to burst into hysterics when someone was trying to sweet, but in his defense he wasn't accustomed to heartfelt waxes of lyrical sentiments that could come hot off the press off of a valentine's card printing factory, sparkling with glitter and roses and all. And in those beautiful seconds before Jaebum hid his face, he could catch the glimpses of the twisted misery and self-disgust. It was an emotional high for the both of them, just on the far ends of the spectrum. 

It's when Jinyoung returns from changing, wearing a pair of jeans, and Jaebum comments that his ass is really pretty and looks like a peach and then subsequently hid behind the couch with his head between his knees, is when Jinyoung decides that something needed to happen. That he couldn't be the only to live to witness this. By the time he drags Jaebum out of his fetal position off the ground and tells him they're going to Mark's place, he affirms that bit of advice couldn't hurt either. 

"You're only bringing me to Mark's place because you want to humiliate me." Jaebum gruffs, now in a windbreaker and looking a little sickly underneath the terrible lighting of the rickety elevator. It's probably a few years past its examination date if anything, judging by the creaks and groans.

"Of course not, I'm taking you there because we need to figure out what to do." It's not a lie per say, maybe half-white and falling somewhere on the borderlands.

"You said not an hour ago that you liked me blurting out this shit."

"Yes, but we can't have you like this forever, what if you say too much information? About our _activities_ I mean, I don't want to scar the kids."

"They're not twelve. Hell, every twelve year old on the planet already knows what goes down."

"That doesn't mean they need to know what happens when we go down."

Jaebum pauses, "Yeah, point taken. Well what if this can't be fixed in the forseeable future? You're not asking me tape my mouth shut are you? You known I'm not into that hard core stuff. Unless you want to try it of course."

"Hush, don't be so crude," there's a faint blush blooming at the tips of Jinyoung's ears, "Just keep your thoughts pure and virginial. Like, abstinence, except with your other head."

"Then you probably shouldn't have worn these jeans," Jinyoung really hopes, despite his own sadistic teasing, that Jaebum wouldn't embrace this sort of behaviour after what-the-hell is inflicted on him wears off.

He smiles anyway, amused, and feels heat rise to his cheeks at the same time, "God, you are so not pg-13."

"Wow, I didn't know you held me to such high standards. You don't need to worship me," There's a change in his expression and it melts into something mellow. He leans in just barely so that they stood eye-to-eye, "Hey, give me a kiss."

Jinyoung turns his head so fast that he feels whiplash and he stares at Jaebum with a palpitating heart. They're away from prying eyes behind the metal doors but they're still in public, and it brings back waves of dulled and bittersweet memories from years ago when they were college. 

Things were messy back then, maybe it was just because Jinyoung could only recall the worst, or best in another context, of their time. Disassociated fragments of blue lit nights spent cramming under the watchful gaze of the moon, the horrible pulsing reds and ultraviolets of that shit club Bambam had wanted to investigate for the fiftieth time in a row, and the levels of the unconscious he'd manage to dive into during his eight-in-the-morning lectures after exhaustive all nighters during the Great Coffee Famine.

It was this one particular party, one neither of them wanted to go to because it was their designated junk food and junk films night on the couch, but Jackson, still incessantly outgoing and disapproving of their social ethic, had absolutely insisted. And if Jackson insists, the whole earth could turn its axis.

It was an okay event, Jinyoung wouldn't deny that, he did get the pizza he wanted but he'd spent the whole night wishing he was lying on his lumpy couch with Jaebum and probably watching that indie flick about spotless minds and sunshines again for the hundredth time. What he got instead was an impromptu game of seven goddamn minutes in motherfucking heaven like they were freshmen in high school or some shit. Mark, a cruel friend he vowed to no longer love anymore at that moment, had dragged him down beside him and slapped the beer bottle into his hand.

He swears to this day that he saw Mark nudge the bottle into Jaebum's direction under the poorly acted guise of yawning and stretching his legs. He had glared at him with lividness in his eyes all the way to the cupboard, an equally reluctant Jaebum leading him by the hand against their own personal backdrop of crowing and whistling. God, they weren't sixteen.

A wonderful four minutes were spent doing absolutely nothing. It was cramped and dark, the carpet was dusty and smelt of mothballs and Jinyoung had no idea how this concept was even relatively sexy. Then again he had a horrible past experience where he did the exact same thing except he had some terrified girl who burrowed herself into a corner and started crying. It was their fifth minute in when Jaebum spoke up, and in the dark Jinyoung could make out the dark red of his ears.

"Hey, give me a kiss." It sounded serious enough that Jinyoung felt the air leave his lungs, had felt his stomach collapsing onto itself. Then to his relief, Jaebum had started laughing and he'd blinked for a solid thirty seconds, still dumbfounded before he realised and then blindly smiled with him. Conclusion-wise, they snuck out that night to go home and order a pizza and Jaebum never got his kiss.

 

_The lamplights watch over them as they walk, dousing them in tinted white before disappearing back into the night like flashes of lightning. The handsome slopes of Jaebum's face are washed out under the light and Jinyoung can only see the reflections in his eyes and the soft blurs of his shadows before they're swamped back into the dark. Flickers of moths tap at the glass and the winds play their quiet sonatas into the lonely night._

_"Were you serious about the kiss?" Jinyoung asks, a curious elation raised into his chest. He's unsure of what kind of answer he wants to hear, and he thinks that speaks for itself already._

_Jaebum keeps his eyes straight ahead and into the leaning shadows of the lampposts that frame the city like trees. He laughs though, and the sharp lines of his face soften under the keen silhouettes of the clouds above._

_"No," he tries to assure, "I wasn't."_

 

Jinyoung is sort of glad the elevator was too expired to have bad elevator music lilting in the background because that would have ruined this beautifully tense moment of Jaebum looking like a shy schoolboy, hands burrowed in the depth of his pockets, his collar bent awkwardly and his shirt untucked.

"I want to kiss you. So can I?" he tries again. 

"But we're in public," he feels his neck prickle and he's not sure why he's denying something he's secretly wanted, "Are you sure? I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

Something dawns onto Jaebum's face and something ticks open in him, "I thought you were the one afraid of being affectionate outside."

"What? No?" Jinyoung laughs, and the two of them gaze at each other with an air of disbelief fusing into their smiles. He feels a small box unlock and open in his chest and suddenly there's so much space in his heart and he begins to giggle, hiding his grin behind his hand as Jaebum scratches his neck with a sheepish and mirthful smile. Jinyoung's shoulders shake as he leans into the other, knocking their elbows together and slipping their hands into one another's.

"God, it's not like we've been dating for years or anything,"

Jaebum looks down at Jinyoung, "So all this time that I've been holding back--"

"You mean all this time that we've been holding back."

The elevator stops with a grind and halt and the heavy doors slide open. Out of simple reflex, Jinyoung untangles himself from Jaebum and he feels the ghost of fingers whisper on his wrist before its suddenly grasped again and he's pulled down. A kiss is planted on his cheek as brief and light as a touch, and he catches a blur of blush on the shell of Jaebum's ear before the other is suddenly four steps ahead of him down the hallway, the embarrassed hunch of his shoulders and the catch of his profile tilted to look back, waiting for him.

 

 

 

When Mark opens the door the first thing he does is raise an eyebrow. There's no reason for it, really, unless the older had some second sense able to detect premonitional vibes, which would actually explain a lot. 

"What happened."

Jaebum doesn't waste a single, tired breath, "I've been saying everything off the top of my head and I can't stop embarrassing myself by mentioning how--" Jinyoung reaches up and covers his mouth, smiling cheerily at his friend.

"Good morning to you too, hyung." he says and leads himself in, a sullen looking Jaebum trailing behind him. Mark closes the door behind him with a concerned thud.

"Wait, wait. Your first instinct was to come to me and not a doctor for whatever Jaebum's infected with--"

"It's not an infection." The place is kind of trashed and Jinyoung kicks an empty can under his coffee table, a dull and sad clinking as it rolls into his other junk.

"Jinyoung's not looking for a cure he's looking to embarrass me--"

Jinyoung waves his hand at Jaebum's face, "How does this even look like an infection? Nothing's red, swollen or leaking--"

"It sounds like your describing a dick--," Jinyoung slaps Jaebum in the arm.

"Ouch, it just slipped out, okay! You know I can't help it, and you look cute when you're angry and great, now I'm thinking about dicks so now I'm gonna start blurting out how--,"

A firm hand slaps him the mouth, unbudging lest any of their bedroom preferences became another asset behind the door in Mark's brain labeled as Potential Blackmail Material. Hideous things squirmed in there, things no one needed to know about _ever_. Jaebum's ears bloom in colour and Jinyoung risks a glance at their friend whose eyebrows have quirked an impressive (for him) inch from their usual passive perch. He stays silent, nods his head knowingly with deep thought and then opens his mouth. Jinyoung waits, anticipating his input of their current situation.

"Yup, he's weird today."

He doesn't know what he expected, really. By now why did he even have expectations. There was no one to rely on. He was alone.

" _And_? What's your make of our current predicament?"

Something kind of wet moves behind Jinyoung's palm and there's a weird muffling voice and he flinches his hand away, the sole target to Jaebum's unimpressed glare. He shrugs impishly, he could kill two birds with one stone here. Or at least he thought he would until he remembered what a blank canvas Mark's mind was at times, wandering off in thought about something arbitrary like what flavour soda or what kind of cheeseburger to get for lunch.

"Can we actually be bothered going to a doctor?' Jaebum asks, "Cause as of now I think I have a higher chance of me getting a tv talk show than a doctor's office."

"That would be extraordinary, Im Jaebum, the chicest boyfriend, professing his affections for me on national television. Though saying it to my face is a feat in itself." Jinyoung pulls Jaebum by the arm to Mark's couch, settling them down. Marks sits down in the armchair across from them, crossing his legs and resting his hands in his lap.

"It's not like I choose not to say it. It's just, I never feel the need to. You never say it to me either."

Jinyoung can't fight against that and he purses his lips. Mark speaks for him, "Why is that?"

He sighs, heaving his shoulders and he can feel the curious prick of Jaebum's eyes looking up at him as he tried to peer at his face. "I don't know. We don't really talk a lot to each other about our thoughts do we?"

"I always just thought we knew what each other was thinking anyway."

"Maybe that's why. We think we already know, but we don't."

Mark steps in, "You two assume _everything_ , that's how you guys fight over the dumbest shit. There was that time in college where you guys wouldn't even talk to each other for a month because of some petty thing and didn't bother to correct yourselves."

A silence quells the initial atmosphere and they all know what Mark's talking about. 

"I really missed you then," Jaebum murmurs, and it's the first thing Jinyoung's heard about the feud since it ended wordlessly. "I was really hurt. And angry. At everything I think."

Jinyoung grins mirthfully, rubbing his temple with an almost fondness, "I still can't believe you thought I was dating Jackson." They all laugh.

It was hard to talk about then, sure they'd grown a thick shell around it but memories remained. In retrospect Jinyoung guess he and Jackson did seem particularly close, they still are now, and that maybe being caught hanging off of one another in a drunk sway of flushed cheeks and high-spirited laughter did little to appease what Jinyoung could only deduce now was Jaebum's jealousy streak.

They did fool around a little but it never went any further than new founded curiosity and half-hearted games of gay chicken, even if they did play it too much back then almost too willingly. Either way he was oblivious, or in self-denial about Jaebum's irritation and cold shoulders, and things had escalated exponentially until he and Jaebum were, for the first time since they'd met, sick of each other.

Jinyoung can still remember it like an open wound, crashing at Mark's or Jackson's or Youngjae's because his dorm had too much of Jaebum's shit lying around the place like his stupid highlighters cluttered on his desk or old jackets draped like old memories over his chair.

At that point he had realised almost grudgingly that maybe half his feelings for his friend went further than simply being platonic, but he'd thought it wiser to keep his options open because he was already firmly told that Jaebum didn't want to kiss him, he didn't think of him that way. It hurt, sure it did, but he'd lived most of his life not wanting his friend to run his hands through his hair or press his lips against his or fuck him against a wall, so there was nothing wrong about turning back, right?

So what if he tried to distract himself with someone else, and so what if Jackson was too kind, too bright, to eager to try something new. Maybe if they'd both fessed up and Jaebum stopped running away, god knows how long he'd actually liked him judging from the intensity of his frustration, and maybe if Jinyoung had stopped waiting for things to happen and kept his fickle thoughts at bay, they wouldn't have gone through such a turmoil not-breakup.

 

_It's Jaebum who cracks first. He's as stubborn as Jinyoung about everything, except when it came to Jinyoung himself._

_It's around midnight Jinyoung thinks and there's a soft knocking at his door, almost resigned in its echoes and he blinks out of his stupor. He thinks it's either Yugyeom or Youngjae, either coming to appease a mental breakdown fueled by caffeine or to slide into his bed because he had a bad dream about his dog and was now worried, respectively._

_He hurries to open it, lest the sound travels through the small apartment and wakes his roommate, Wonpil, up._

_But when he opens his door he feels his heart both jump and sink when he sees the half silhouette of Jaebum standing at his doorway. He looks younger, with the low moonlight smoothing out the hard lines of his face and a childish anxiety keeping his fingers fidgeting at his sleeves. It brings back unwanted memories of when Jaebum traded study hall hours to trade fists at the back of buildings. Jinyoung wants to hold his hand, but he knows he shouldn't._

_Instead he holds his tongue back and grips his door handle tight, whether to slam it close or to keep from shaking he doesnt know. "What do you want?"_

_Jaebum angles his head slightly and the faint light catches his face. His eyes are still a soft black in the blue. "Can I come in?" he sounds sleepy. Jinyoung didn't have the heart to say no and he stands aside. Jaebum brushes pass him like a shadow and, as if nothing was out of place, towards his room_

_They sit on his bed, a distance keeping them apart, and Jinyoung can't even remember the last time they were so awkward with each other._

_"Be honest with me, Jaebum hyung. Were you jealous?" He brings his knees to his chest and hugs himself, looking down at the floorboards and tracing the woodwork._

_"Yes. I was."_

_"Of me or Jackson?"_

_"Isn't it obvious?"_

_"No, you were a dick to us both." Jinyoung grips his knees._

_Jaebums rubs his face in frustation, "I hated seeing you being so close to someone else."_

_"Im allowed to have other friends, you know."_

_"No, I meant I hate seeing you being, you know, being all touchy and kissy with another guy." Jaebum refused to move his gaze from burning a hole in the ground, teeth gnawing on his bottom lip. Jinyoung hates how he finds it cute, how he feels a stupid bubble in chest expanding because Jaebum just inadvertently in a way confessed to him. He hates it so much._

_He doesn't want to let his gaurd down."But I'm like that with everyone and you've never been against that, even with Mark hyung."_

_"But I know you don't think about them that way, at least now I do. You seemed serious this time, happier."_

_Did Jaebum really think that? Did he look happier? Whatever._ Whatever _. "I want you to apologise to Jackson. This isn't his fault."_

_"I know, I already did," Jaebum sighs, "He took it too well, understood too easily and now I feel like a complete douche."_

_"You are kind of an ass when you want to be," his heart beats once, twice and then he lets his resolve shrivel, "I missed you too."_

_Jaebum breaks into a small smile, the first one he's seen from him in a month and he looks him in the eyes. He grows shy again, looking down once more, and it's endearing to see the red from his ears spread to his cheeks. "I really like you, Jirongie."_

_He breathes camly, a stutter in his chest, "I know."_

_"Since when?"_

_"Since about two minutes ago." he laughs a little. He turns around to face him and slowly, slowly, he cups Jaebum's jaw into his hand and he wonders if he pulls back he'll find blood on his palm._

_"We still need to talk about this," he murmurs before leaning forward and pressing their lips together in something soft and brief and it feels like the passing of spring in one breath. He pulls away an inch and he sees Jaebum, dazed and confused and staring down at him. His eyes are black and his pupils invisible, but he thinks he can see stars burning beneath. He feels his lips crash down onto his. He's knocked back onto his mattress and he tries not to laugh into the kiss, but it's so hard because it's so_ Jaebum _to do this._

_It's a frenzy at first and his thoughts are scattered all around the empty blank of his mind as he welcomes the enveloping warmth and the rough and chapped press of Jaebum's lips. He hooks a hand to his neck and pulls him close, feeling a smile curve against him._

_Jaebum pulls away and looks down at him with the same curiosity as when they first met, navy and pooling, deep enough to swallow an ocean. Something swells in Jinyoung and he realises that he had really, really missed him so fucking much._

_"I've wanted this for so long," Jaebum murmurs. His body is warm against his._

_"How long?" Jinyoung asks breathlessly._

_"Since we were teenagers, I think."_

_He inhales, "Shit, patience_ is _a virtue. I only realised after that seven minutes shit."_

_"I guess we have seven minutes to make up for then."_

 

The sound of a key being inserted through Mark's door startles them and they turn to the whine of the door opening to see Youngjae with a tiny Coco fidgeting in his arms and his eyes wide as plates. He slowly closes the door behind him and shuffles over to them, already on high alert with those jitterish instincts of his. 

"Jaebum hyung, Jinyoung hyung, what are--"

"Don't finish that question," Mark jumps in, standing up and scooping the small dog into his arms, "Jaebum's been running his mouth of the whole day and if we're not careful he might reveal something that requires brain bleaching or puking."

"Oh," Youngjae's mouth pouts into an understanding circle, "Like what?"

Marks purses his lips, thinking, before turning to face the other man, "Jaebum, when is Jinyoung the cutest?"

"All the time, he's always cute. Especially when we're in bed." The expression on his face is akin to that of eating lemon. 

"Jaebum!"

"I didn't mean it like _that_! Although now that you mention it--"

Youngjae looks at Mark, nose crinkled with second-hand embarrassment and the older responds with a shrug ("You did ask" he says). Jaebum has the decency to look ashamed of himself, especially in front of his favourite dongsaeng.

"This is so weird." Youngjae says. 

 

 

 

It's divine punishment, Jinyoung thinks, when the kids and Jackson roll up at Mark's door because Jackson 'had a gut feeling' that something was going down. Definitely not because Mark had sent a mass text to all of them, the disgusting traitor and puppet master of evil he is. At least it was divine punishment to Jaebum and not him. Mostly.

"Tell me, have you guys done anything kinky yet--"

Jinyoung muffles Jaebum's mouth shut and attempts to kick Jackson's nuts at the same time. He leaps away, hands covering his crotch and squealing with too much excitement for a man whose genitals were about to be concaved.

"It's an innocent question!"

Bambam pats Jaebum's arm, "Hyung, hyung. If me, Yugyeom and Youngjae were drowning who would you save first? Or, or, if we were pitted against each other in a gladiator arena who would you bet on."

"Yugyeom. Both. Because if I save Yugyeom he could then save you two and I'd bet on him because he's stronger than the two of you combined." The aforementioned maknae crosses his arms across his chest, nodding sagely at the other two.

"Jaebummie, if you had the choice of eating chocolate flavoured shit or shit flavoured chocolate, which one would you choose." 

"Neither."

"No, no, you have to pick one--"

"Jackson, cut it out." Jinyoung steps in. 

"Jinyoungie, aren't you going to take advantage of this one in a lifetime opportunity? Haven't you ever wondered why he always has at least two sticks up his ass or which position is his favourite or if he's, I don't know, found one of us hot? If it's me that's understandable, you can't hate the man for having eyes."

"I don't find you hot Jackson. And I don't have a favourite position because either way I get to--"

Jinyoung slaps his hand over his mouth again and the kids all groan and cover their ears. Yugyeom mimics barfing into Mark's houseplant and the poor ferns shiver. Jackson cackles wildly, clapping his hands like a seal, eyes filled with a zealous shine as the cogs in his head rotate.

"Okay, okay. Jaebum, out of all of us who is the most good looking? Like, including face, body ratio, amazing hair and killer muscles," he flexes his bicep, eyebrows wagging.

"Jinyoung." he doesn't even hesitate, "Isn't it obvious? He's stunning." He coughs awkwardly.

Jackson scoffs, "But does he have sick muscles?" he flexes his other bicep.

"It doesn't matter because he's still cute."

At this point in their conversation Jinyoung has to hide his face in Jaebum's shoulder because his heart can only take so much of this disgustingly sweet concoction of embarrassment, endearment and a thirsting need to murder Jackson and the kids in cold blood. What he appreciates even less is Mark in the corner snickering and relishing in their bloodbath. Cold karma, bitter as ice, that's what's coming for these so called friends, even if it's by his own hands.

 

 

 

With Youngjae's mouth open wide and snoring, Jinyoung has half a mind to walk over and shut it close for him, but he thinks he won't appreciate that at all. He's sprawled on the rug, a pillow tucked affectionately under his head and a spare throw blanket draped over him as if he was the unfortunate victim of a murder in a crime scene. Coco wanders around Mark's apartment, unhinged and free-willed and Jinyoung thinks he can spot a bit of torn toilet paper peeking out from the bathroom. The kids are in the kitchen under the surveillance, if you could even call it that, of Jackson as they tackle the debilitating task of making ramyun with Mark on stand by, phone in hand and finger hovering over the local pizza place's number. 

The evening waits behind the horizon and the first flares of orange are visible behind the skyline. Emotionally exhausted, Jaebum slumps against Jinyoung and rests his head on his shoulder like a dead weight. An airy buzz breathes in his chest when he feels fingers slip into his. 

"Tired?" Jinyoung nudges him gently, "We'll go home after we've made sure the kids won't leave scorch marks in the kitchen." Which translates to when Mark will finally turn the gas off and when the pizza delivery arrives. 

"You're too sweet. I'm glad you're here." he's not sure whether Jaebum's too tired to care or he's succumbed ultimately to the amount of sap and cheese that he'd been withholding, but Jinyoung's still a little startled when he presses a sloppy kiss to the crook of his jaw and then down to the column of his neck. 

"I really want to kiss you right now and--"

"Woah, slow down, we have children in here." He raises an eyebrow pointedly at the lump on the ground. 

Jaebum's eyes disappear into crescents when he smiles. "You dote on them too much, you're too lenient."

"It's not like you rule with an iron fist either. I see you letting Yugyeommie push you over."

"And _you're_ still trying to get Bambam to kiss your cheeks."

Jinyoung sighs wistfully, closing his eyes for a moment, "They grow up too fast, sometimes I just want things to slow down a little. Remember how we first met?"

They both share a look, grinning down at the floor, "I was skipping class and you were late to class and out of all the wrong corners to stumble into you chose mine. You still looked cute with blood running down your face by the way. I never told you that." He brushes his thumb over the soft of his cheek, fingertip running over a scar long faded away. Jinyoung still recalls the sting and burn, the embarrassed heat that crept up his neck when he noticed Jaebum staring down at him, hidden in the relaxed blue of the shadows behind a building. 

"To think we're only here because my noona broke my alarm. What if that never happened, do you think we would've ended up together anyway?" How different would they be if they'd never gotten close? With so many stories woven with the same thread, Jinyoung wonders if he'd have the same loves, the same habits. If he'd still love to walk beneath lamplights in the dead of the night, if he'd still let his eyes be caught by the sight of glinting silver, if he'd learn to close the bedroom window at night. 

"I'd find you always, in any lifetime." Even Jaebum cringes at himself, but he laughs with him and the grip of his fingers tighten around his, as if anchoring himself back down from fantasies, "I'm not letting you go that easily."

And he kisses him, one hand cupping his chin and the other wrapped around his wrist, sending frequencies that shivered through his body because the lights were on, they're weren't at home and there's a snoring dongsaeng two feet away from them, one blink away from seeing the most public display of affection Jinyoung had ever had with Jaebum. The other man pulls away and Jinyoung presses their foreheads together and closes his eyes, sensing the other's grin like warmth behind his eyelids. 

A sharp and loud rap breaks the ambience and the two of them jump apart right before Youngjae snorts himself awake and Bambam leaps out of the kitchen in all his long-legged glory to rip open the door and welcome in the greasy fragrance of take-away.

"No scorch marks," Jaebum murmurs.  

 

 

 

The wind blows softly and Jaebum hides his bare limbs under the heat of their covers. Silver glints in the navy blue and the red light of airplanes blink across the night like passing comets. 

"Jirongie," the pet name is husky with exhaustion and it tastes like smooth silk and liquid stars on Jinyoung's lips. A feverish hand slips under his shirt. 

"Hey, hyung," he says, and Jaebum stops, "You're looking at me funny."

"Am I?"

Jinyoung hums and pulls him close until he can feel his heartbeat rest against his. 

"You look like the moon, Jinyoungie." his voice is the lull, the whisper, the wind. It feels like tides against his heart. 

"I'll take that as a compliment," he sighs against his skin and weaves his arms with his, "You're so sappy."

"Only for you."

 

 

 

The soft press of cool sheets and morning sun filters through the slumber of his senses as Jinyoung slowly wakes. There's an arm draped across his waist protectively and he can sense Jaebum's face inches from his before he even opens his eyes, head slipped off of his pillow and the tip of his nose just brushing the potrusion of his collar, his mouth slightly parted. 

Jinyoung runs his hand through Jaebum's hair and the man leans into his touch, exhaling contently and smiling like a lazy cat. The grip around his waist tightens and he's pulled closer until his chin brushes the top of his head.

"Love you," Jaebum mumbles into his neck.

"Oh, it hasn't worn off yet?"

Jaebum shakes his head and his hair tickles his skin, "No, it has. I just wanted to tell you," he opens his eyes and they're droopy and tired, fond beyond days.

"Prove it, hyung."

"I promise I won't be affected if you destroy my Simpsons merchandise and that I will definitely not demand emotional compensation."

Jinyoung bursts out in laughter, "Point taken. Don't worry, I wouldn't do that to you, I know how much those yellow cartoon people mean to you." 

Jaebum scoffs but he ends up giggling, tremors transferring to Jinyoung, "This trust I put into you." he snorts.

Moments pass and Jinyoung lets everything sink into his skin. A downy layer of affection and crinkled smiles, unspoken but not unheard implications burrowing into the marrow of his bone and the caverns of his memories, and he let's Jaebum hold him loosely because there's no reason he would slip away anyway. The other man looks up at him and raises a brow. 

"What?" Jinyoung frowns.

"Aren't you going to say you love me back?"

He laughs at the rare show of pettiness and he hears his lover grumble. "Alright, alright. I love you too." he pinches his nape affectionately and Jaebum flinches, growling. In two swift movements he rolls Jinyoung's onto his back and pins him down, arms trapped beside his head and a meancing weight above him, and Jaebum glares down but Jinyoung can't stop laughing and his chest starts to ache with happiness. Something mellow paints Jaebum's face and he lets his wrists go and leans down onto his elbow, his body atop of his.

Jaebum looks younger in the gentle light, it softens his lines and caresses his edges. His distant facade melts the moment he smiles and the sun hides behind his eyes. 

"Don't think that just because I ran my mouth off yesterday that means you now have leverage."

"Pssh, hyung," Jinyoung brushes a stray lock from his forehead, "I've _always_ had leverage over you."

Knowing the truth when he hears it, Jaebum doesn't deny it. 

**Author's Note:**

> upon first glance of this prompt i had decided to make this a short oneshot, 2k at the most. too bad i don't follow my decisions. sorry for this monster, i am a victim of being an incredibly slow writer that cant stop rambling, oops.
> 
> why does ao3 hate formatting.
> 
> feel free to hmu @peachynyoung!!


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